It doesn't matter if the alien girl is sexy. You shouldn't have sex
with her.
You know you want to cuz she’s abnormally hot. She can even
have blue skin and talk in a language you’ve never heard before. But why would
you assume sex would work? I've never seen anything good come of it.
Bazooka is the weapon of choice. I.e. when in doubt, use a bazooka.
Small guns are good for some back and forth shootouts, but a
bazooka can really settle the score.
Alien’s never come in peace.
This is most likely self explanatory. Although, since we've
never actually had aliens visit our planet, it’s probably a good reminder for
some people out there. Be careful; those aliens want to use us like an
energizer battery. They just don’t care for our quick wit, our good looks or
our denim jeans. Politicians and sarcastic jocks will be killed off first. National
monuments will be blown up in interesting ways. The only cities that matter are
New York, Los Angeles and Paris.
The US
He (or she) is young and handsome. Preferably black (unless they
can get Morgan Freeman. If he’s a
republican he’s sure to be a real prick, and he’s most likely going to die an
absurdly gruesome death. People act shocked, but no one is really bothered by
it for long. The Vice President is the wildcard; he (or she) is either really
noble or an even bigger prick than the former President. One more thing, if
there’s a French man in one of these films; he’ll be the comic relief for the
evening.
Fat Dorky guy’s can get hot chicks. But Fat, dorky girls can’t get
“hot” guy’s.
This is probably the biggest cause of male depression in the
world, today. The fact that our reality doesn't match up with would could be a
really sweet fantasy, well let’s just say it causes some drastic
disillusionment in our youth today. I too feel the sting of this large, wooly
fabric that has been pulled over our collective eyes.
Fat dorky girls know they can’t get hot guys so there really
isn't a market for trying to sell that fantasy in films. There is however, a
big clichéd market for fat, nerdy girl transformations into hot, skinny chicks.
They’re usually too smart for their own good, so they tend to return to their
former selves.
Just be “good”. The likelihood that you’ll get hit by gunfire is 78%
less than if you are “bad”.
I don’t know if the percentage of 78% is accurate, it’s sort
of a guesstimation. It’s probably higher. Heck, you might
get shot, but most likely it will only be in the shoulder. So be good, help the
little guy. You’ll not only “get the girl” but you will most likely live a long
happy life. Unless there’s a sequel. Then all bets are off.
If you are contemplating being bad, as in robbing banks or taking
hostages, there’s a strong likelihood your life will end by being thrown off a
roof or shot between the eyes. Yes, its cliché at this point, but no one is
really bothered by it. The audience is just glad you’re dead.
The Hero will resist an initial offer to join ‘the Mission’, but one
way or another, they’ll get dragged in.
The hero is just trying to live a ‘normal life’ and wants
his past to remain in the rear view. He’ll say no deal first time around, but
it will be a big mistake. His family will soon die, his house will blow up and
he’ll be framed for all of it. He really has no choice now but to go on an
ass-kicking mission to get revenge, from the people who did the thing. You know
how it is, it’s nothing new.
I've probably learned more lessons than the ones I listed above. But for now, those are the main ones.
